Self-pity

I thought I’d share a few of the thoughts I’ve been preaching to myself lately.  It’s been a while since I’ve done a Thinking Thoughts kind of post. (Thinking Thoughts, to me, are different than all the random thoughts that are going through my head at all times.  Ever tried really hard NOT to think?!   Thinking Thoughts are deeper and search into life and what is really going on in the depths.)

First of all, I’ve been dealing with Post Lyme Syndrome since I had a tick bite and tested positive for Lyme Disease this past May.  My Doctor says that I’ve been adequately treated and we caught it early, I’m just experiencing aftereffects.  Basically for me it’s just constant headaches and unreasonable fatigue and the foggy brain that goes along with such things. It just gets old.  Then the last two weeks our girls had a sickness that really took them down – the symptoms of strep throat, but they tested negative.  It’s all just compounded around me as I was cooped up in the house a lot. (Thank you to my mother-in-law and sis-in-law for giving me some breaks!)  I can’t help but think about friends who are going through truly difficult things and this seems so minor.  But nonetheless, it’s real in my life right now.  And so come the thoughts about what is this all for? What should I be learning from it?  What causes me to respond the way I do?

Pretty flowers my daughter Kadence picked today.

They're in a bottle my sister-in-law gave me
 with a beautifully encouraging note.

Oswald Chambers says: “No sin is worse than the sin of self-pity, because it removes God from the throne of our lives, replacing Him with our own self-interests. It causes us to open our mouths only to complain, and we simply become spiritual sponges— always absorbing, never giving, and never being satisfied.” 

(I love the stuff from Oz. He doesn’t beat around the bush and sounds kind of harsh at times.  But I think most of us are wimpy people. Myself included. Definitely.  Here’s a great writing on suffering.) 

"My Utmost for His Highest" book given to me sixteen years ago by my Sunday School teacher
and Father-in-law before he knew he would be my Father-in-law!  It's the old classic one that has the
original words like uttermost, getting huffed and where he calls people clods and such things.  I love it!

Here’s a question that’s been fluttering around in my mind “Why is it that when things are tough or when I’m not feeling the best that I feel justified  [defended, validated, explained, rationalized, excused, vindicated, warranted] in doing wrong?”  I don’t feel as guilty for not responding correctly?  Like it’s okay since I’m going through this hard thing?  When words that are unkind slip (or even pour) out of my mouth and I’m okay with it because of the “horrors” I’m suffering.  Poor little me!   

I’m not talking about being “perfect” in all things here.  My house suffers.  We eat simpler meals.  And I’m fine with that.  The things I’m talking about are the things that are wrong and right.

Self-pity does some pretty bad stuff.

What I’m saying with my self-pity is that it’s not okay that this is happening to me.  More than that I’m basically saying,“God you aren’t good.”

A question Job asked his wife comes to my mind,  “Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" (Job 2:10)

On a little different but similar note, here’s something that happened just the other night.  I’d slipped out of the bathroom unbeknownst to Nathan, who was in there showering.  I heard him talking to me from back in the bedroom.  So I virtuously went back down the hall, back into the bathroom, and asked him what he’d said.  It was a trivial question and I felt justified when I answered his question in a sort of rude way in a short tone.  As though, since I had been so selfless and made such a sacrifice in walking all the way down the hall, it validated my wrong response.  Funny how the human brain works!! 

So my little sermon to myself is this: “Watch out for your deceitful heart.  Don’t let circumstances in your life affect what you know to be true!”

“Yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.”

Habakkuk 3:18